{"id":689,"date":"2014-12-18T18:42:32","date_gmt":"2014-12-18T18:42:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/?p=689"},"modified":"2015-01-04T03:48:17","modified_gmt":"2015-01-04T03:48:17","slug":"falling-in-love-with-failing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/?p=689","title":{"rendered":"Falling in love with failing"},"content":{"rendered":"

Fostering openness to learning and growth<\/h4>\n

Taking on challenges, struggling, failing, analyzing mistakes, and reengaging is the route to growth, competence and self-esteem. Therefore children must learn to tolerate this process, including the failures. False praise and unrealistic labels create a focus on judgment that undermines a child\u2019s willingness to risk failures.<\/em><\/h6>\n

Striking out in baseball is a mini failure and to some of us, quite painful. So how can I avoid this pain? If I don\u2019t go up to bat, I will never strike out and therefore, never have to feel the pain of humiliation and frustration.Or \u2026 I can only hit against pitchers I am sure I can handle \u2013 therefore staying free of another dreaded strikeout. Two elegant solutions if I don\u2019t say so. There is only one problem, however, with this elegant plan. If I never bat against challenging pitching, I will never improve. I have to meet the challenge of better pitching so that I can master it and grow.<\/p>\n

The act of striking out represents engagement in a challenging zone I have yet to master. If I want to get better, I need to risk striking out. In fact, if I analyze why I missed the pitch, I will get better \u2013 whether that analysis takes place behind a video screen or at bat having missed the first two strikes. This is a longwinded way of saying that to become a good baseball player, I must learn to tolerate failures, because they become the sources of learning.<\/p>\n

So how do we convince our children that they need to welcome failure as a means of learning and growing? Listen to this praise from a proud baseball dad:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are such a good hitter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, you are so good. You hit the ball every time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree hits today! What a great hitter you are!\u201d<\/p>\n

What do you think of the praise Dad has handed out? He\u2019s pretty proud of his son, isn\u2019t he? Does anything worry you about what you just heard?<\/p>\n

This is a loving, well-intentioned father. He believes he is heaping well-deserved praise on his son. What he is also heaping on his son is some unnecessary pressure. He has labeled him a \u201cgood hitter\u201d, even a \u201cgreat hitter\u201d. That is a tough standard to live up to. There is added pressure if the child thinks Dad\u2019s interest and caring is dependent upon continuing to be \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cgreat\u201d. Unfortunately, Dad has also attached an unintended standard for what it means to be good or great. He observed, \u201cYou hit the ball every time\u201d and \u201c(You got) three hits today\u201d in the process of labeling his son \u201cgood\u201d and \u201cgreat\u201d. So what happens if the boy goes 0 for 4 in the next game? What if he strikes out more often than he gets hits? Is his status as \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cgreat\u201d at risk? Will he worry about disappointing his dad? Will he view himself as a failure?<\/p>\n

What do you think of these comments?<\/p>\n

After striking out to end the game, his father consoles him,<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry. You played great.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou guys will win next time.\u201d<\/p>\n

So what is a boy to make of that? He certainly knows that striking out is not playing \u201cgreat\u201d. And what if they don\u2019t win next time? Now do you understand why a kid would only want to go to bat against easy competition? That would certainly eliminate this confusion and potential for disappointment. Or, how about this as a solution? Blame the umpire for a bad third strike call. And find a good excuse why the other team won, such as cheating or unfair home field advantage. These are \u201cgreat\u201d ideas because they allow the child to preserve the label or expectation that he is \u201cspecial\u201d or \u201cgreat\u201d, as his dad called him, and can go on playing.<\/p>\n

Can you think what would have been more helpful?<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, how was it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you think of that pitcher today?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you have fun?\u201d \u201cWhy not?\u201d \u201cIs that something you want to work on?\u201d<\/p>\n

If this boy is to grow as a ball player and not let the game get the best of him, he needs to tolerate losses and failures, like striking out. He also needs to know that failures or attempts are how he gets better. Perhaps they need to be labeled something other than failures. Something like trials or attempts? Linking trials with analysis, learning and improvement is the preferable route rather than linking success and failure with ratings of the person. Judgment is ultimately what steers boys away from activities such as sports, academics or talking to girls. Sometimes avoidance and a good set of excuses are better than multiple wounds to lick and explain.<\/p>\n

Perhaps the best way to promote this openness to failure and learning is for the father or coach to model it himself. When the child sees that the adult welcomes and learns from failures, it clearly becomes something acceptable for the child as well.<\/p>\n

Key words: tolerating failure; failure as learning; resilience; labeling;<\/p>\n

Our assumptions about natural ability and the capacity for change profoundly affect our approaches for working with children. Mindset<\/em> by Carol Dweck is a must read for all teachers and parents. After reading the first chapter your \u201cmindset\u201d will be forever altered. You will begin to quickly recognize teaching strategies and parenting approaches as growth promoting or fixed and limiting.<\/p>\n

Steve Jobs\u2019 2005 Stanford Commencement Address eloquently describes how he turned the three greatest \u201cfailures\u201d in his life into sources of creativity and growth.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Fostering openness to learning and growth Taking on challenges, struggling, failing, analyzing mistakes, and reengaging is the route to growth, competence and self-esteem. Therefore children must learn to tolerate this process, including the failures. False praise and unrealistic labels create a focus on judgment that undermines a child\u2019s willingness to risk failures. Striking out in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[58,61,47,63,62,33,60,59],"class_list":["post-689","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-applying-ideas","tag-failure","tag-genuine-self-esteem","tag-growth-mindset","tag-labeling","tag-labels","tag-learning","tag-resilience","tag-tolerating-frustration","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=689"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":761,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689\/revisions\/761"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=689"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=689"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=689"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}