After Ann announced it was time to leave for the library, Timmy and Seth raced out the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cOwww! Stop!<\/p>\n
\u201cGet out,” yelled Seth.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo! I was here first,\u201d wailed Timmy.<\/p>\n
\u201cI called \u2018shotgun\u2019,\u201d Seth reminded him, pulling on his brother’s arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter I was getting in the seat.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoesn\u2019t matter. I called it. Get out!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOwwww! You\u2019re hurting me! Mommy!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMommy, I called shotgun and Timmy won\u2019t get out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMommy, Seth is pulling my arm.\u201d<\/p>\n
As Ann\u00a0approached the car and she said, \u201cI hear a lot of yelling and screaming. Seth, you look very angry. And Timmy, you look very upset, too. I want each of you to tell me what is going on. Seth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever calls \u2018shotgun\u2019 gets to sit there. I called \u2018shotgun\u2019 first and Timmy won\u2019t get out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re angry because you called \u2018shotgun\u2019 first. You believe you should get to sit in the front seat,\u201d Ann reflected back to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,” Seth said, with emphasis.<\/p>\n
\u201cTimmy. Tell me what happened,\u201d his mom asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was getting in the seat when Seth called \u2018shotgun\u2019. I didn\u2019t even know he was there. It\u2019s not fair. He always yells \u2018shotgun\u2019.”<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sound frustrated. You feel what happened wasn\u2019t fair,\u201d Ann observed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Seth yells \u2018shotgun\u2019 before I can even think about it,\u201d Timmy said, pleading his case.<\/p>\n
\u201cBoth of you think you are right. You are both smart guys. I am going to go read my book while you two figure out a solution that feels fair to both of you. Come find me when you are done.\u201d \u00b9<\/p>\n
(10 minutes later)<\/p>\n
\u201cMom. We know how we are going to handle it,\u201d Seth announced.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. We have the perfect plan,\u201d Timmy beamed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t wait to hear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Seth began, \u201cWe have a plan\u00a0worked out so we know whose day it is to get \u2018shotgun\u2019. No fighting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. And today is my day,\u201d announced Timmy.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right. Timmy gets to sit in the front on the even days of the month and I get to sit there on the odd days.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd on the even days, Seth also has to set the table,\u201d added Timmy, pleased with the way the day was turning out.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is a brilliant plan. I never would have thought of that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Pretty cool, eh, Mom. We\u2019re good at this stuff,\u201d Timmy said as he hopped back in the front seat and closed the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cSeth. Does Timmy know that tomorrow is the 31st and you\u2019ll get two days in a row?<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a lot to teach my little brother, don\u2019t I Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI never doubted that,\u201d his mom chuckled.<\/p>\n
__________________________________<\/p>\n
Here is the basic recipe that Ann followed with the boys:<\/p>\n
Recognize how each of them is feeling<\/strong> When parents resolve conflicts for their children, they offer external solutions to problems that rob their children of important internal work that needs to be done. These parent solutions often deliver messages that children are not capable and need to depend on others to resolve their problems. In the example above, development of competence in the areas of logical thinking, communication and relatedness were promoted. The mother also modeled empathy and served as a reminder that fairness and caring are essential to moral integrity.<\/p>\n ____________________________<\/p>\n \u00b9 Example after example of how to do this can be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish\u2019s classic book, Siblings Without Rivalry<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Leave the conflict (and its solution) where it belongs \u2013 in the kid. Whenever possible, make external processes internal. In this example, instead of resolving a conflict between her sons, Ann acknowledged their perspectives and how they were feeling. Then she restated the problem to be solved and left them to figure it out for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[56,75,39,54,52],"class_list":["post-767","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-applying-ideas","tag-communication","tag-empathy","tag-internal-discipline","tag-listening","tag-logical-thinking","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/767","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=767"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/767\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":775,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/767\/revisions\/775"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=767"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=767"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=767"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nHave each give their side of what happened<\/strong>
\nRecognize each person\u2019s perspective<\/strong>
\nState the problem that needs to be figured out<\/strong>
\nAcknowledge their capability of finding a solution together<\/strong>
\nWalk away and let them handle it<\/strong><\/p>\n