How do we set boundaries (or limits) when every child is temperamentally different and develops at his or own pace? Sounds like a frustratingly difficult level of complexity, doesn\u2019t it? And when there are multiple children involved, what system could possibly be right for all?<\/p>\n
Instead of trying to figure out what limits an adventuresome six-year-old or a demanding sixteen-year-old should have, think in terms of the basic themes that can guide you. Limits exist for two important purposes: insuring safety and promoting growth.<\/p>\n
It is easy to set limits that assure safety if we are not concerned about growth. In some circumstances, safety is the only concern. When the tornado siren sounds, everyone belongs in the basement with flashlight, blanket, radio, food and water. When driving, seatbelts are fastened, and no alcohol, drugs, or phones are allowed. But when can a child have her training wheels off, leave the yard, cross the street, or stay out beyond 10pm?<\/p>\n
The growth we hope to promote is the development is autonomy \u2013 self-directed, self-controlled, and emotionally self-regulated. \u00a0We want our children to learn to soothe themselves when they are upset, control behaviors that are potentially harmful to themselves or others, and to become self-directed rather than reliant upon outside sources of motivation.<\/p>\n
Our use of limits needs to take into consideration the extent a child can self regulate. A toddler who cannot negotiate stairs needs a fence at either end or a spotter. These are removed as she demonstrates mastery on the stairs and a healthy respect for falling.<\/p>\n
Remember the Zone of Proximal Development? (See Goldilocks is in the \u201cZone\u201d \u2013 Where We Learn Best<\/em> ) That concept applies to limit setting. In areas where a child can self regulate, no external limits are necessary. When the challenges of a situation would overwhelm a child\u2019s abilities, limits are needed. The zone between these two points is where limits can be useful in promoting growth.<\/p>\n All children are born curious and possess an inborn drive toward autonomy. Children want to achieve mastery and be able to control their environments (and not let the environment control them). Children have a drive to crawl, walk and climb. Where they do their crawling, walking and climbing is sometimes an issue of safety. But if they wish to have a greater range for crawling, walking and climbing, they need to demonstrate their ability to do it safely.<\/p>\n Remember the Magic Formula for motivation: Investment = (I want) x (I can)<\/strong>? Many children, especially young ones, listen to the (I want) and are off and running. They are motivated to develop the (I can) part, but are often unable to be objective about the quality or reliability of the (I can) part.<\/p>\n Limits are necessary when the (I can) is not fully developed. Yet these limits need to be dynamic so that the child knows that developing the (I can) means a pulling back of the limits. Limits promote healthy growth when they are perceived as (show me you can) rather than (you can\u2019t), thus supporting the (I want) x (I can) formula that works so well.<\/p>\n Elsewhere, I discuss the problems of children who are overly timid or avoidant, who self-limit, because of fears of getting hurt, losing approval, or failing. For these children, limit setting takes on a completely different role. For those who are avoiding, the parent may need to gently set limits on the behavior used to avoid important work that needs to be done. Or the parent may need to inquire about the (missing) curiosity and ambition. For the timid, cautious, or shy child, the parent may need to provide safe support for engagement (ala ZPD scaffolding) that is gradually withdrawn, as the child feels more competent and confident.<\/p>\n When the engines of curiosity, ambition, and autonomy are at work, limits are useful standards for the child to push against to develop and demonstrate mastery. The precocious four-year-old child who thinks she is ready for the training wheels to come off can assert herself by asking for an audition to show she is ready. When her dad cannot keep up with her to support her seat, maybe she is ready for the wheels to come off. When the child can swim two laps of the pool and can tread water for 10 minutes, he has shown he is ready to swim in the deep end of the pool and use the diving board. When the child can get herself up for school on her own every morning for two weeks, she has shown she is ready for a half hour later bedtime. In each of these examples, the child is motivated for the parent\u2019s limits to be relaxed and that occurs by virtue of the child\u2019s demonstration of self-regulation. In these cases, the drive for autonomy and the wish to push back the limits on that autonomy provide the engine for development.<\/p>\n This form of limits, where the child understands that they are subject to change by virtue of their demonstrated mastery (or responsibility) is completely different from a system where rules or limits are arbitrary and rigid. For instance, when rules exist, \u201cbecause I said so\u201d or \u201cbecause you are not old enough\u201d, children either lose the drive to become competent and autonomous, or they shift their efforts into evading the limits through secrecy and deception. In a healthy family relationship, the parent is able to explain the need for the limit (for safety) and the child understands the competence he or she must demonstrate to alter that limit. It is a transparent and dynamic process. The parent and child may not agree on what constitutes readiness, but all parties should be able to understand and explain the reasoning of the other. In other words, a parent can be understanding and empathic and still say, \u201cno\u201d. A child can be disappointed, but know that the parent understands why they think and feel the way they do.<\/p>\n Here are a couple of examples:<\/p>\n \u201cDad, you can trust me to not drink at that party\u201d, explains his fifteen-year-old daughter.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI do trust you, kiddo. I just don\u2019t trust some of the people who will be there who have been drinking\u201d, responds her father.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou mean I can never be around people who are drinking?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cExplain to me how you will be safe. Plus, am I correct in believing the police hand out tickets to everyone who is underage at a party with alcohol?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n This young lady has her work cut out for her. But she is not hearing \u201cno, because I said so\u201d. She is hearing, \u201cI need to know you will be safe\u201d and \u201cyou cannot break the law\u201d. She will have to do some planning and brainstorming with her friends in terms of safety, openness, adult supervision, and setting. But she will figure something out, because she knows her father is strict but fair and she has earned his trust through a process of solving problems by showing she has outgrown limits instead of trying to evade them.<\/p>\n \u201cMom, I really want a dog. I\u2019ll take care of him. I promise,\u201d pleads Timmy.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. That is a huge responsibility and the dog can really suffer if he isn\u2019t fed and walked,\u201d his mother reminds him.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cJamie has a dog and I\u2019m the same age he is,\u201d as Timmy points next door.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYeah, and who is it I see every morning walking Jamie\u2019s dog?\u201d his mother chuckles, trying hard not to sound too cynical.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cJamie\u2019s father does. Oops. Bad example, eh? Can we rent a dog for a week so I can show you?\u201d brainstorms Timmy.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cRented dogs can\u2019t suffer?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou know what I mean. Let me prove I\u2019m ready.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHow would you do that?\u201d his mother says, looking more serious now.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI can clean my room every week and make my bed every day,\u201d replies Timmy, knowing what seems to matter to his mother most mornings.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThat would be nice to see. What does that have to do with taking care of a dog?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI could fix my own breakfast and take you for a walk every day,\u201d answers Timmy, starting to get the idea he has to show her he can take care of the dog.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThat would be nice, but I still don\u2019t see how that proves you are ready for a dog.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cCome on Mom. How can I show you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI have an idea. Get Sparky down from the shelf and you can pretend he is a real dog for two weeks,\u201d recalling Timmy\u2019s attachment to his old stuffed dog.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHe is a real dog, Mom.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI still talk to him. He just doesn\u2019t answer back like he used to.\u201d Timmy remembers that is mother used to compare his relationship to Sparky to the one between Calvin and Hobbes, their favorite reading at bedtime.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cTake care of Sparky for two weeks like you would a really real dog.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cLike with a really real leash, dog dish and pooper-scooper?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYeah. Let\u2019s make a schedule for feeding and walking Sparky and put it up in the kitchen.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAre we going to buy Sparky real food, or just feed him table scraps?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHow about YOU feed him blue Lego\u2019s in the morning and red Lego\u2019s at dinnertime?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2019ll scoop yellow Lego\u2019s on our walks?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s more information than I need.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHow often do I need to walk Sparky?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cCall Grandpa and ask him how often he takes Buster out.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHey, I just thought of how I can prove I\u2019m ready. Next time Nana and Grandpa go away, I can take care of Buster.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIf you are reliable with the Sparky for two weeks, you can ask Grandpa.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Just because a child is nine years old does not mean he is ready for \u201cnine-year-old\u201d privileges and responsibilities. Those should come by virtue of demonstrated mastery, on developmental time, rather than chronological time. Therefore, we are constantly assessing what a child can handle independently and where he is headed next. Fortunately, children usually let us know what is next. It is up to us to negotiate a process whereby they can develop more self-reliance. Support for their engagement as they master skills or take on increasingly more responsibility can be gradually withdrawn as they demonstrate a readiness. In other words, limits are created and amended on developmental time, not chronological or social time.<\/p>\n If you have not already read the distinction between developmental time and social\/biological time, this would be a good time to click on that link.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Limits are needed to protect a child from harm and to promote autonomy. A primary theme of healthy parent child relationships is the transfer of control from the parent to the child. We want our children to learn to soothe themselves when they are upset, control behaviors that are potentially harmful to themselves or others, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[96,97,69,36,72,40,78,93,42,34,32],"class_list":["post-798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-applying-ideas","tag-autonomy","tag-growth","tag-limits","tag-motivation","tag-responsibility","tag-self-control","tag-self-direction","tag-self-discipline","tag-self-regulation","tag-zone-of-proximal-development","tag-zpd","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/798","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=798"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/798\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":800,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/798\/revisions\/800"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=798"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=798"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childproofingforadolescence.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=798"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Party Girl?<\/h5>\n
My Very Own Dog?<\/h5>\n